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On September 27, 2004, NBC announced that Jay Leno would be replaced by Conan O'Brien as host of The Tonight Show in 2009. Since Leno's Tonight Show was number 1, this announcement came as a surprise to most people. As the old saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." The reasoning was that O'Brien was getting restless in the 12:35 timeslot and began hinting that, if he didn't receive a promise from NBC to be promoted to host of the Tonight Show, he would leave for another network. NBC, therefore, announced that O'Brien would take over the Tonight Show in June 2009. Leno gracioiusly accepted the news and continued hosting the Tonight Show until May 29, 2009, keeping the Tonight Show in its number one position against Letterman. We gave the StupidCaveman Award to NBC last May and predicted the only winner would be David Letterman and that the decision to replace Leno would be among the greatest corporate blunders of all time, alongside New Coke and the Edsel. It will be fascinating to watch NBC squirm as it tries to extricate itself from disaster it has inflicted upon itself. On his January 12th show, David Letterman suggested a number of people, including Conan O'Brien, were "victims" of Jay Leno. Leno has "victimized" no one. NBC appointed him successor to Johnny Carson and he delivered, keeping the Tonight Show number one for the vast majority of the seventeen years he served as host. When NBC made their infamous 2004 announcement about replacing him in five years with Conan O'Brien, he accepted the decision graciously and soldiered on, keeping the Tonight Show number one in the ratings. It's pretty ironic to hear Letterman, a man who doesn't know the meaning of the words "marital fidelity," suggest that Jay Leno, a good and decent man, has "victimized" anyone. Some advice to Letterman. When Johnny Carson retired, NBC gave the Tonight Show to the better man. Get over it. I once had a boss who had a really annoying habit. Each and every time you would ask him a question, he would respond by asking a series of his own questions and then answering them. Here's an example.
"Are we selling more books?" he replied. "The answer is no. Would we sell more books if we had better books to sell? Maybe. Could we publish better books? Yes. Do I think we'll start publishing better books anytime soon? No. Do I think our editors know the difference between a good book and a bad book? No. Do I think the conglomerate that owns our publishing company knows the difference between a good book and a bad book? No. Do I think we'll all be fired if we don't start selling more books? Yes." I haven't heard a word from this former boss since we were all fired for not selling more books. But I have noticed that his ridiculous habit of answering a simple question with a series of questions and answers has become an epidemic. This morning a reporter on one of our local TV stations was talking about the city's attempt to remove pan handlers from the busiest parts of the city. The mayor didn't want to talk about it so he sent a low-level bureaucrat out to talk to the reporter. "Do we still have panhandlers? Yes. Will we still have panhandlers after the mayor's plan goes into effect? Yes. Do I wish we had fewer panhandlers? Yes. Does the mayor wish we had fewer panhandlers? Yes. Are we trying to be mean to the panhandlers? No. Do we wish the panhandlers could find help so they wouldn't have to panhandle? Yes." I don't know who invented this asinine form of communication but I wish they would stop. Would I like to take a tip from the late Moe Howard and give them a whack on the head with a ball peen hammer? Yes. Would I go to prison for giving them a whack on the head with a ball peen hammer? Probably. Is it time to end this essay. Definitely. One of our local TV weathermen actually believes he can predict the weather, for any neighborhood, within 15 minutes. It's true. He read a letter from a viewer who said the directions on a bag of lawn fertilizer instructed him to apply the fertilizer just before a good rainfall. "How will I know when to apply the fertilizer?" asked the viewer. "Not to worry," replied our fearless weatherman. "Just watch NoisyNews9. With our Super Duper Golly Gee Whiz Double Dippy Dual Doppleganger Radar, we can predict rain in your neighborhood within 15 minutes. So, if we tell you it's going to rain in your neighborhood at 7:13 pm, just go out and apply your fertilizer at 6:52 pm and you'll be all set." Uh huh. And my grandmother was president of Mars. There must be a special place in hell for some of the criminals who prey upon the poor by pretending to be "evangelists" on television. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying every evangelist on television is dishonest. The characters I have in mind are the ones who promise that God will cause vast numbers of Federal Reserve notes to begin coming your way if only you will "plant a seed" in their ministry. I called one of these hucksters one night and asked if I could "plant a seed" by paying an elderly couple's natural gas bill for the month. The operator hesitated. She was clearly at a loss for words. Finally, she recovered and said I really needed to send the donation to her employer's TV "ministry" to receive the Lord's blessing. I asked her just what her employer did with the money that was sent to his "ministry." "Why, we buy time on more TV stations to spread the gospel," she said. "Do you help poor people pay their utility bills?" I asked. "Or help elderly people pay for their prescription drugs?" "We spread the gospel," she said. You know, I've watched this particular "ministry" a number of times to see if they really do spread the gospel and I've never once heard the "evangelist" quote Matthew, Luke, Mark or John. Each time I watched he spent the entire hour telling people to send as much money as they possibly could to his "ministry." One week he had a guest "evangelist." This woman said, "So what if you only have $50 left to your name! Send it in!" Another time I saw a rather portly character who called himself a "prophet." Apparently no one told him that gluttony is a sin. He proudly told a story about a man who expressed doubt about his credentials as a "prophet." "I asked the doubting Thomas a question," the modern-day P.T. Barnum went on. "I said, If you're so smart, why is it that I own my own executive jet and you drive a ten year-old car?" Yes, the "prophet" owns his own executive jet. Do you suppose the commercial carriers don't have seats wide enough to accomodate his grossly over-sized posterior? I'm glad he told that story. Now we know what he does with the money all those widows and poor people send to him. Our local TV weatherman was telling us about the swell weather we had coming at us in the next few days. Snow, freezing rain and temperatures dropping to zero or below. He ended his nightly chat-fest by telling us to "bring in the dogs" or "put a warm blanket in his doghouse." Put a warm blanket in his doghouse? I'd like to lock that weatherman in a doghouse and toss him a blanket. Harry Truman once said, "If you want a friend in this town, get a dog." Those words are true not only in Washington but in any location on earth. Dogs have been providing humans with companionship and unconditional love for at least a million years and - in my opinion - people have been getting the best part of the deal. To me, few things are sadder - or more contemptible - than a dog chained to a dog house. Here's the Stupid Caveman's Rule #1 for dog ownership: If you're going to adopt a dog, make it a member of your family. Like all members of your family, the dog should live in the house. And, like all members of your family, the dog should be provided with fresh, nutritious food, medical attention, love and companionship. Anyone not willing to provide a dog - or cat - with those basic necessities of life has no business adopting one. I bought a new TV from a local appliance store. When I turned it on, instead of getting "Gilligan's Island" or something else I might want to watch, the TV immediately went into "grid" mode. The "grid" is a large gray screen with lots of menu selections all over it - selections that don't mean anything unless you're some sort of techno-geek. The purpose of "the grid" is to help you know what's on television. I guess. Anyway, I didn't want "the grid" and tried to get rid of it. I went to the "troubleshooting" section of the owner's manual. I followed the directions for getting rid of the "grid." Easy? Not really. The manual did indeed have instructions for making the TV come on in "regular" mode instead of "grid" mode, but they didn't seem to apply to my particular model. I thought perhaps the manufacturer might have a Customer Service 800 number. You know, some helpful person named "Dave" or "Jennifer" in New Delhi or Bangalore who could tell me how to stop the TV from defaulting into "grid" mode every time I turn it on. The manufacturer had an 800 number alright - but it's only to be used if you want to have someone come out to your house, in person, to give you instructions on how to operate their gridly TV. For a fee. Now, I may be a stupid caveman from the Paleolithic era, but I don't need to pay someone to teach me how to operate a TV. If it's working right - you turn it on. You scan through 128 boring channels and then you turn it off. I called the dealer I bought it from. "I don't know," he said. "I sold one to an older couple and they couldn't get rid of that grid for three months." Now, I was already getting a bit annoyed due to the fact that neither the owner's manual nor the dealer who sold me the TV could tell me how to get rid of that annoying "grid." But I saw red when he told me he sold a similar TV to an elderly couple and that he let them go THREE MONTHS without being able to watch their new TV. When those old folks called he should have driven out to their home that very day and disabled that "grid" so those nice old folks could enjoy their new TV. Not only did he NOT do that for them - he had the temerity to tell me about it as if there was nothing wrong with it. Meanwhile, with the manual in one hand and the remote in the other, I finally found a way to stop the TV from going into that default "grid" mode. It seems the manufacturer had updated their TV but failed to update the manual. I called the dealer back and told him how to disable the grid - I just hope he shared that information with that poor old couple who bought a similar model TV three months ago. If it's true that the United States now has a "service-based economy," then I predict we'll soon be a third-world country. |